What Hurts The Most
by Descendant of Doom
Summary: Amidamaru hangs there beside me trying to find words to say. He doesn't quite understand that I'm in love with him. I know if I think his name that'll be it and I will remember everything that actually gets me to cry. YOH POV, Songifc, Yaoi


A/N: I have never written in Shaman King before so this is new to me. I actually had stopped writing yaoi pairings about two almost three years ago but decided I couldn't get this thought out of my head. So please tell me what you think.

Warnings: Yaoi pairing

Disclaimer: I do not own Shaman King and I don't own the song What Hurts the Most by Rascal Flatts.

_**What Hurts the Most**_

I could hear the suitcase thumping down the stairs. Another visit and he was gone. It had been the same way for three years and each time, he came and left, I felt my heart go with him. I curled up further into the warmth of my blankets. I wanted to pretend he wasn't leaving and fall back into dreams where he had never left in the first place. I shuddered as I could hear the rain falling steadily on the rooftop; soon the house would be empty. Horohoro, Ryu and Chocolove had gotten an apartment together in Tokyo so that Anna wouldn't nearly beat them to death. They visited often and I saw Horohoro and Chocolove at school but it wasn't the same. The house was too quiet, I left tears slip down my cheek. It was worse when _he_ left. I didn't want to think about it but I couldn't help it, tears slipped unbidden down my cheeks, faster and faster. I could hear Amidamaru watching me and not knowing what to do. I wanted to tell him it was okay for me to cry, I wasn't afraid to. I would be back to being normally or at least pretending to be within a few days, even as soon as I left this room, I would plaster a smile on my face and be who I'm supposed to be.

"Yoh! Come on time to get up!" I heard Anna's voice yell up the stairs. I sighed, wiping at the tears on my face roughly. It was time to face it.

_I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house_

_That don't bother me_

_I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out_

_I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while_

_Even though going on with you gone still upsets me_

_There are days every now and again I pretend I'm okay_

_But that's not what gets me_

I go through the motions of getting dressed and slowly. I didn't want to leave this safe haven. I didn't want to face him. I didn't want to watch him walk away yet again. Three years ago, I had been so close to telling him the truth. I couldn't do it though. It would have ruined everything and I would never have seen him again. I grumbled to myself as a few more tears escape my eyes. Amidamaru hangs there beside me trying to find words to say. He doesn't quite understand that I'm in love with _him._ I know if I think his name that'll be it and I will remember everything that actually gets me to cry.

_What hurts the most_

_Was being so close_

_And having so much to say_

_And watching you walk away_

_And never knowing_

_What could have been _

_And not seeing that loving you_

_Is what I was tryin' to do_

I walked lazily down the stairs. The entire house was crowded. It had become tradition that when he visited, everyone would stay with Anna and I again. Everyone would come to visit as well. Tamao and Lyserg had become an item some two years ago on one of his visits; he never left Japan after that. Chocolove was dating Pirika with Horohoro's permission, of course. Faust was still very much in love with Eliza who lived in a house next door to mine and Anna's place. Ryu was seeing the former X-law Meene, they had been seeing each other unbeknownst their friends for six months and had now been together close to a year. Horohoro, Manta and _him_ were still very much single unlike me who had a fiancée. I glanced around the living room to see it full of my friends. Tomorrow Horohoro and Manta would come for a visit and Horohoro would look at me with this knowing look. I'd never said anything but Horohoro just seemed to know, maybe it's because he knew this same feeling. I was almost glad that _he _wasn't in the room yet. Breakfast had been served and a plate was pushed towards me by Anna. I sat down, forcing a smile and ate like I always did (despite not feeling hungry).

_It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go_

_But I'm doing it_

_It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone_

_Still harder getting up, getting dressed, livin' with this regret_

_But I know if I could do it over_

_I would trade, give away all the words that I saved in my heart_

_That I left unspoken_

I heard movement in the doorway. I didn't want to look up, I knew it was him. I knew if I looked up would regret not saying anything to him once again. Some days I just wanted to shout it to the rooftops how I felt for him; I simply left everything unspoken.

"Well, my cab is here." Ren's voice cut through my consciousness. I felt my heart ache as I turned to look at Ren. He hadn't changed in his looks in three years and I loved the fact he'd grown so that I could actually look in his eyes rather than look down at him. Everyone was getting up, saying their goodbyes and for those who dared to hugs. He had become much better about such things as well. Anna and I got up at the same time. Anna hugged him whispering something unknown to me in his ear. He gave a small nod.

"I will." Ren replied. She must have told him to visit again soon. I wasn't so sure if I could keep handling these visits three or four times a year, it was starting to kill me not seeing him every day. I stepped forward with my patent grin on my face. Ren shook his head. "Walk me to the door, Asakura." I nodded, not one to disobey his requests. I followed him out the room, down the hall and outside. He turned to me with a small smile.

"I guess this is it until Christmas right? You are planning to come during the holidays, aren't you?" I asked, feeling as if my voice was thin. He chuckled at me.

"I'll be here." He said before stepping up to me and engulfing me in a hug. I sighed inhaling his scent, memorizing it so that I couldn't forget it. He pulled away and smiled softly. "Take care of yourself, Yoh and don't forget to call." I smiled.

"You know me, Ren; do you really think I will forget?" I asked. He laughed, we both knew I had a terrible memory and it would be him calling. We stood there in silence for a few moments and I wanted so badly to tell him but it'd just ruin what we had so I left it. I felt the depression already starting to hit me and I tried to smile. He touched my face before smiling and turning away from me once again. He walked away from me then, turning slightly to wave as he climbed into the cab and they drove away.

_What hurts the most is being so close_

_And having so much to say_

_And watching you walk away_

_And never knowing_

_What could have been_

_And not seeing that loving you_

_Is what I was trying to do_

I was not sure how long I stood there, getting soaked to the bone in the rain. His warmth had left me and I was starting to feel the chill. Horohoro came to stand beside me, the rain wasn't truly bothering him it seemed. He chuckled.

"So when are you going to run after him?" He asked. I turned to him shocked. I had never said anything and I knew he knew but still, it wasn't something we talked about. I gulped and turned back to where he last had been.

"I'm not. I'm engaged to Anna, remember?" I replied softly. I didn't realize tears had started running down my cheeks mixing with the rain. Horohoro chuckled and looked behind.

"Ne, Anna? What do you think?" Horohoro said. I felt myself freeze and rooted to the spot. I turned slowly to see her standing there. She looked so soft at that moment. She was so close to being fragile for the first time in her life. Then something seemed to click in my head and I turned to Horohoro.

"You're in love with her?" I whispered. He chuckled rubbing the back of his neck as he blushed. So I had been right he knew how I felt in some ways. He just couldn't admit it to Anna because I was engaged to her. I glanced at her and saw her give a small smile at the blue haired boy. I laughed, I'd been so blind.

"Now, go after him or I'll have to beat you up myself." Anna said. I knew it was true. I turned to Horohoro.

"Think you can give me a ride to the airport?" I asked. He nodded and we raced towards his car.

_What hurts the most_

_Is being so close_

The car raced down the street after street as we manoeuvred around traffic. I knew in my heart, I wasn't going to make it. Horohoro didn't say anything as he concentrated on the road. I felt tears roll down my cheeks again. He would be leaving in ten minutes; we wouldn't get there on time.

"We're going to make it, Yoh. Trust me." He said accelerating to what I knew must be a dangerous speed as we turned into the roads leading to the different terminals. Horohoro passed by all of them heading for the private tarmac. Before the car was even stopped, I was out of it, running.

_And having so much to say_

_And watching you walk away_

I couldn't believe I was so stupid. I should have never let Ren walk away, not three years ago and not now. My feet seemed to make it to where I knew he should be but I heard the roar of jets over my head. I looked up seeing a plane take off and I cursed at myself. I fell to my knees, watching it leave. It was too late.

_And never knowing_

_What could have been_

"Yoh? What are you doing here?" Ren's voice said behind me. I turned and saw him standing behind me, his plane in the distance. I ran to him without thinking, wrapping my arms around him securely. I didn't want to let him go, not now, not ever, if he'd have me.

"I'm sorry, Ren. I should have told you so long ago and then I thought I couldn't. Yet I didn't know about them and the deal with my family. I just couldn't risk it and I didn't know what you'd think and I –" I seemed to spill out thoughts without really saying anything thus why Ren had placed a hand up to stop me.

"What are you trying to say, Yoh?" He asked. I stared at him, could I truly tell him? I'd come all this way.

"Ren-chan?" a female voice called in the distance. I looked up and passed Ren to see a pretty Chinese girl standing on top of the stairs of the plane. I pulled away from Ren and shook my head slowly.

"Sorry, Ren. It was nothing. You need to catch your plane." I said softly. I turned away, heading back towards where I knew Horohoro and the car would be. I wasn't going to cry, he was going to be happy now. I don't know how far I got when I heard feet hitting the tarmac and a hand shoot out grabbing my wrist.

"I'm not catching that plane until you tell me what you can here to say, Yoh." He said angrily. I could see Horohoro in the distance. I could see he knew what I was thinking; he could see the pretty girl as well. He shook his head at me, knowing I was going to let Ren go.

"It was –" I started to say, when a growl met my ears and I was turned around forcibly.

"Don't lie to me. You came here for something, otherwise you wouldn't be here." Ren said. It was forceful yet soft. A side of him I felt I only knew but I couldn't be sure. I was going to have to tell him and face rejection.

_And not seeing that loving you_

I took a deep breath and turned fully towards him. I looked straight into those golden eyes and I put my hands in my pockets so as to not show my hands were shaking.

"I came here to tell you…I don't want you to go…I want you to stay because…well...I…I love you." Yoh said softly. He quickly lowered his gaze so as to not see the reaction on Ren's face. Laughter seemed to bubble up out of Ren causing me to look at him. I felt my heart being stabbed and I turned away once again.

Suddenly a hand shot out once again, grabbing me, turning me around and pulled me into a strong chest. All before the soft pair of lips crashed down on my own lips. The world seemed to disappear. It came into focus again with the whooping I heard from Horohoro causing Ren to pull away and me to blush.

"You've always been a little blind, Yoh. Couldn't you see, what I was trying to do was love you. I'll stay." He whispered in my ear. I wrapped my arms firmly around his neck.

"I'm glad I now know what could have been. I'm sorry I didn't tell you earlier." I said. He chuckled, capturing my lips in another kiss.

"Don't worry koi. We can figure out how to make up for lost time." He murmured in my ear causing me to shiver. I'd been hurting so much over this because I'd been so close and now, I know we were both trying to love each other but couldn't seem to figure out how.

_Not seeing that loving you_

_That's what I was trying to do_

I grinned and leaned into another long passionate kiss. I was well ready for my happy ending with Ren.

**The End**


End file.
